Random Thought 010221

 I hate being ignored and feeling left out, especially when I have tried so hard to be included

When people did that, I just thought, "Oh they not see me as part of the group"

That is why I tend to try too much to bring out something unique about me. It's tiring sometimes, but well.. I hate being disliked by people that I care

And there's this friend of mine, I have great empathy for her cause I thought she was in the same position with me. So, I wanna be her friend or at least the one that can support her

She noticed that, and thanking me, saying that only me and one other friend that noticing her existence

Well, the others were remember her as well. However, they already have their own partner in crime that they loved to chat with. Not that they not care about her, but well.. let's say, they not give her the attention that she want

And it got me thinking, that maybe most of the time, I wasn't being left out. They weren't ignoring me, they just not having the same vibe with me. Or maybe they like me enough but I don't feel it cause I only see it from my perspective

People said that bad experience could sharpen you. Not for good thing, I guess, on this matter

I have the tendency to be people-pleaser, wanna be the one that loved by many. But after being betrayed by people that I care about, I just got suspicious so easily

One of my biggest trauma is to know that I wasn't good enough to do things that I was so proud to be. I just got picked for the position cause no one else want to do it. And they just laughed at me cause I cannot do it right

It hurt when you realized that you are not what you thought you always are

And it hurt when things not going as you want them to be

Still, happiness is a choice. I can choose to keep the grudge and hate everyone. Trust no one. But it'd just hurt me even more.

So I just learn to embrace it. That people are not as good as I thought they were. But also, not as bad as I believe they are.

01.02.21 - Zis

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